Here I go… again. I am not bad. I am not good. I am stuck somewhere below the middle and as usual this drives me crazy; however, this time I am determined to see it for what it is, which is normal.
As much as I would love to stay at the baseline or above in terms of my emotional state, that just is not going to happen and the sooner I come to terms with this fact, the better off I will be. What I do with the “meh” phases is going to determine how successful my recovery is going to be.
This means that I need to learn to sit with “meh” and not judge it. I need to reach out when I am “meh,” not necessarily to talk about my mental health or lack thereof, but to get out of my head and keep myself a little busier. I need to appreciate the “meh” times, since they are not anything like the painful, heartbreaking, awful times which I know so well. That being said, “meh” times are not that easy for me yet. I hope that one day I will be able to roll with the punches. But I am highly sensitive and that may not happen and I may have to come to terms with this new way of being.
I am nine days away from my next ketamine treatment, which is when I am next expecting to have better days. In the meantime, maybe I can pull myself up a little from “meh” to “so-so” or even “fine” or “okay.” Sitting with my fourteen year old at Starbucks, our computers backed up to one another, both working and talking is a start. Getting me a little out of my head and any time my teen is willing to be in public with me makes me feel better.
I am still frustrated by my inability to just take each day at face value, I definitely overthink everything (which might be a slight exaggeration or cognitive distortion) but that is something that I am also struggling to come to terms with…
Yet Another Hot Mess 